Day 26 (9/1/2011)

Mommy cut my bangs!

Mommy let me eat ice cream in the living room!

Day 24 (8/30/2011)

Happy 6th Birthday!!!!!

Day 21 (8/27/2011)

Maybe??? Do I dare hope???

Day 20 (8/26/2011)

What will tomorrow bring??? 

Day 19 (8/25/2011)

worst news ever...where do I go from here???

Day 18 (8/24/2011)

Giddy with excitement for tomorrow!

Day 17 (8/23/2011)

I had a MUCH needed dinner date with my dear friend Patty!!!

Day 16 (8/22/2011)

I was plotting my latest novel...

Day 15 (8/21/2011)

RAIN RAIN RAIN UGH!

Day 14 (8/20/2011)

New Hair!

Day 13 (8/19/2011)

Today is my best friend Luke's 30th birthday...had he not been taken from us far too soon.  I miss you boy, RIP <3

Day 12 (8/18/2011)

this is what today was..a big !

Day 11 (8/17/2011)

Spent all day and night in excruciating back pain!!!!

Day Ten 8/16/2011

London was sick with a fever alllll day and super clingy! :-(

Day Nine 8/15/2011

Gabby lost her 2nd tooth!

Day Eight 8/14/2011

Where she insisted on having her breakfast

Day Seven 8/13/2011

Playing in a Disney Princess tent during the rainy day storms!

Day Six 8/12/2011

My super b-day present from my awesome neighbor Barb!

Day Five 8/11/2011

what I NEEDED to undo my day!

Picture Four 8/10/2011

London literally does this every chance she gets...hangs upside down and looks through her legs, smh

Day Three 8/9/2011

The look of innocence....nah this is the "I've been caught" face

Topic One

Giving your child an allowance?

1. How old should the child be before starting an allowance?
2. How much is the right amount?
3. Do you think it promotes laziness, greed, responsibility, pride, etc?
4. What do you think a child should realistically have to "do" to "earn" and allowance?

Gabby is getting to an age where I think that she is old enough to start doing things for herself and the household...and I mentioned a reward/allowance system, but I worry that it will promote greed or the laziness that comes from only ever "helping" when there is something in it for her.  What do you think? Help please!

London Isabella

My precious little baby....who keeps me on my toes and is just as naughty as can be! LOL  She is such an incredible little girl....stubborn and opinionated, loving and outgoing, inquisitive and daring....she is simply remarkable.  She broke the mold for sure, and while I thought that Gabriella had set the stage and taught me all that I needed to know about life and being a mommy, London came into the world to let me know that we are never done learning, and there are a million and ONE ways to do things!  She is tiring and hilarious all at once and she keeps me young...while giving me gray hairs!! :-D

Book Club

I love to read...better than watching tv, playing games, anything.  I love to escape through the story and words and see how I come out on the other side.  Reading has always been a source of comfort to me no matter what the story or subject matter.  It has always allowed me to leave this world for a little while and walk in someone else's shoes.  And sometimes it has proven to inspire me to aim higher, reach for the stars to achieve the level of "happiness" the character seemed to have living the life I have always dreamed of; other times it has shown me how to appreciate exactly where I am in life and to give thanks for the blessings I have been given because it could be so much worse and I am so lucky to not have had to experience what some of these characters have.

All in all reading is amazing...but it can be so much fun when you can share it with others.  So, I am embarking on a quest to begin a book club --both online and in person--so that I may share with others what I have found, and even more importantly have others share with me.  I want this to be open and honest, and fun and non-judgemental.  EVERYONE is entitled to their opinions.  So, let's get this bad boy started.  Leave me comments about what books or themes you hope to see make it on the book club reading lists, days that work best for in person meetups, and opinions on books you have already read.  I am always looking for something new to get lost in.  We can discuss authors, poetry, short stories, novels, etc.  Whatever your hearts desires.  Happy Reading everyone!!

Gabriella Alexandra

Cara's Wedding

This page will be devoted to my gorgeous daughter, my original link into mommy hood, and the light of my life,  Gabriella.  She never ceases to amaze me and delight me in her everyday quests.  She is so smart and loving, imaginative and creative, friendly and energetic.  As much as I would love to think that I teach her and had a hand in how amazing she is, the truth of the matter is she is amazing in her own right and she teaches me a new lesson every time I look at her.  I love her immensely and I am so blessed to have her in my life!!!

My Year in Photos Project

....because "pictures speak a thousand words" and I love words, I will embark on a creative experiment to journal my next year in pictures.  They won't always be exciting...won't always "wow" you, but they will always be from the heart and therefore amazing all on their own! I hope you will enjoy them!

Day Two 8/8/2011

Banana splits with Gabby!

Day One 8/7/81

My 30th Birthday 8/7/2011

Happy Birthday to ME! :-D

Blue Heaven Martini
30th B-day

Today is my 30th birthday, the big 3-OH!  I must admit that I was dreading this birthday, and even had a bout of depression leading up to it.  No, not because I was terrified to leave my 20's, but because I had convinced myself that 30 was some momentous milestone that meant I was really an adult and needed to have something  amazing to show for it.  I didn't feel like I had accomplished anything with my life; I didn't have some incredible important job, didn't have a sprawling mansion, loads of money, and wasn't living in the laps of luxury.  And while it seems incredibly silly now, I did let that idea get the best of me and it really took its toll on me.

Then, through the kind words of friends and family, I finally woke up and realized that I had so much more than what I thought I needed to have.  I have a wonderful husband, and 2 beautiful children.  I have an immensely important job as mommy and wife that I should be ridiculously proud of.  I have a simple home that suits my and my families needs and gives us the stage to so many beautiful memories.  And I am rich in love for and from some pretty amazing people I am blessed to call family and friends.  I would say that when you look at my life in that light I have succeeded and surpassed the "goals" and "requirements" that I had ever set forth for myself.

So, to celebrate my "milestone" birthday, I am focusing on the things that matter and learning to enjoy life every minute from exactly where I am at the time.  I am making a promise to myself to get back to writing, and fulfilling the goals and dreams I had pushed to the side in the ill placed idea that they weren't "worthy" or "important".  Through this blog I hope to reveal all of me; the good, bad, ugly, beautiful, crazy, neurotic, ambitious, fun-loving me!  I hope that you will come to rely on this blog for entertainment and solace.  I look forward to sharing my bit of imperfections with you!

Memoirs of a Fool in Love...

How do I describe our “relationship”…our “love”… It’s indescribable unless I compare it to something else altogether…

I saw him as this beautiful vast ocean, maybe at sunset or sunrise….or some equally beautiful time. He was this ocean full of beauty, full of treasures and hidden caves I yearned to explore. I was the sand, the beach; vast and glorious, too, but unable to reach the depths of him that I really wanted to. I was trapped, motionless, stuck waiting for him to come to me, to want to let me in as much or as little as he wanted to. It was a very lonely existence but he was so beautiful, the treasures so boundless, that I couldn’t help but be content with waiting; content with what he was willing to give. And God every time he washed over me, every time those fierce waves rose in all their glory full of passion and life and fell down upon me with trust and desire, my senses came alive. They were on fire and he seeped into my every pore, to the very core of me and made me come alive, wanting with an unadulterated passion more and more of him. 

…but he always drew back, retreating from me, leaving me lost and lonely, and empty…so empty. Every time he washed over me he stole away more than he gave. And still I waited for the next time he would let me in and awaken my soul…

Those were my days. That was how I spent my time loving him. Never allowed to get any closer than he would let me. It pained me to have to watch the war he had with himself, the way the waves could be so angry and merciless at times, the tide violently swirling about haphazardly, pushing away all that was beautiful inside, afraid to let things be calm for too long; to believe that the beauty could last. But when he was calm, oh when he believed that it could last, that I would never hurt him, those times were pure magic…the reasons why I fought against the torrent he would assault me with to see if I would retreat. I wasn’t going anywhere. And if he were honest with himself than he would see that I was always there. Whether he chose to wash over me, to come to me, and love me; I was always there. The foundation of his ocean…it was me. I had crept into him when he’d been unaware, had made my mark and created this safety net to catch him should he ever fall. See even at the bottom of even the deepest darkest ocean is a floor of sand that keeps it from becoming a bottomless abyss…I was protecting him from losing himself…to himself. But he couldn’t see that I would never cause him the pain the world had.
And though I know he loved me, I couldn’t make him see what was right in front of his eyes, so I was forced to live my life waiting; simply waiting. Watching and hurting and wanting what was so close to me, but unable to keep him from slipping away from me time and time again…a fool in love…o

Missing someone desperately....

I miss you...there is no way to sugar coat it, no way to beat around the bush, and no way to sound less desperate....point blank: I MISS YOU.  Why, why, why did you leave?  I have never found someone to share what we have shared since you and I fear I never will.  Do I feel guilty missing you??  Of course, yeah!  I have this wonderful husband, amazing kids, a fantastic extended family, and incredible friends....I have it all right?  ....sadly no because I don't have you.  I don't think that I will ever truly be complete until I have you back, so please come back to me.  I will get down on my knees and beg and plead if I have to, I will do whatever it takes but you must meet me halfway...I can not bring you back all on my own.

Paying it Foward

What is "paying it forward"?  What does is mean, how is it supposed to be used or taken?  The definitions I have come across tend to lean towards: phrase coined and used to describe the concept of asking that a good turn be repaid by having it done to others instead.  Okay, I can work with this definition, and in fact by that definition can agree that I have had it paid forward to me and have, in fact, paid it forward as well....


....but I was blessed today to not only pay it forward, but in return have someone pay it BACK to me from the same thing that was paid forward.  Did that make sense?  Let me explain...or at the very least try to.  I am a writer, or aspire to be at least, and I was blessed to see the realization of a dream come to fruition.  In 2006 I published my first book "When the Masks Come Off" and got to see my dream come true in having a book written by me published into the literary world.  Was it a huge success?  Was it a great book, a timeless story?  Did I make millions and become renowned? Uh, no...but that wasn't why, and still isn't why, I write and aim for publication.  I simply love to write and want to share my stories with other's as a means of escape.


Now here is where the pay it forward comes into play.  Perk up, it's good! Lol! ;-p  There is a particular person who played a huge part in my "dream coming true", even though it is in a round about way and they actually have no idea how big a role they played in my achievement and how indebted I feel to them.  The long and short of it is, though, that I recently got the chance to "thank" them without going into detail about what they did for me.  I have been blessed to be able to strike up a semi-friendship with them, as well, and have been able to discuss my passion for writing with them.  Herein lies the wonderful part....they have a passion for writing as well and I have been able to go back and forth with our respective writings to gain objective criticisms and confidence builders.  It is fantastic, and I value it greatly....I hope that it continues to flourish.  Yesterday I revealed some of my older works and some recent ones, too.  I chose to share them with friends and family and my "pay it forward" friend.  They (my pay it forward friend) in turn were so "inspired" by something that I wrote that they wrote something amazing themselves.  And here is the denouement of the story....in reading their words I was re-inspired to write with a new passion and motivation for my own work!


So, my question is...is it truly possible for a person to pay it forward and in doing so be paid forward/back, too?  I say yes, but I would love to know what you think...

Shooting stars...

Somewhere out there

I know you are

Wishing on

That same bright star

You wish to find

Your one true love

The one that you’ve

Been dreaming of

Two different lives

A world apart

Guided together

By yearning hearts

If only you could read my thoughts

Then maybe you would see

That everything you’re looking for

You’ll find right here in me

I’m wishing deep inside

In hopes that you will hear

The silent pleas I’m sending you

In hopes to bring you near

This was written nearly 20 years ago, when I first started "talking to the moon" and wishing on stars and still believed dreams came true....back when I was still untouched by the world and its cynicism....

Afraid

I saw you
Sitting there
Handsome and confident
With a smile that could stop the world from spinning on its axis
And had the power to melt my heart….

And I was afraid to speak to you…

I spoke to you
On an afternoon
Where skies were gray
And the rain fell like tears from heaven
But your wondrous voice only made me see
The gray clouds, the color of your angelic eyes
And the rain, a symbol of the tears of joy I wanted to spill….

And I was afraid to know you….

I learned your crazy ways
The way you could make me forget
Pain and all the ways it ever touched me
All the lonely nights
And tear stained pillows
The way you had of making me laugh
Like no other I’ve ever known
And the warm, tingling feeling
You gave me in the pit of stomach…..

And I was afraid to touch you…..

I touched you
You touched me back
The feeling in my stomach
Sent shivers through the rest of my body
Your kiss, sending shivers to my soul
Your warm embrace
Embracing the inner me I had no idea was still there
Made me feel secure…

And I was afraid to trust you….

I let myself fall
And there you were
Catching me gently
Even though you had no clue
Surpassing every test I threw your way
And deeper I fell
Giving myself to you
With trust I didn’t know I possessed….

But I was afraid to love you…..

 I was afraid to relinquish
All that I was, all that I am
And all that I could be
On a dream that hung by a thread
That at any moment could be snipped away
Yet with every day that has passed
You have only proved to add pieces of thread
Braiding it and interweaving it
Making me believe that somehow
Someway
This was going to be right
Is right
And so I took the plunge
Hoping
No, knowing
You would never let me drown

And now
After all my fears
After all you’ve done to prove them wrong
Still I’m left with fear…

I’m afraid to lose you…

Masks

 

Lightening crashes

Thunder rolls

 Fierce passion

Overtakes my soul

My anger is blazing

Frantically inside

It’s given no place

To run, to hide

To hurt someone

Becomes my desire

My soul erupts

Into a lake of fire

I long for someone

To feel the pain

That’s quickly driving

Me insane

I’m crying a single

Neglected tear

My anger slowly

Turns to fear

I fear you’ll see through my mask of anger

To the reality that lies within

To the place behind my forcible wall

Where I conceal the real me in

To the place where the frightened

Crying inner child stands

Begging and wishing

For outstretched loving hands

I shield my weaknesses

With brutality

My tears behind a smile

My uncertainties

Beneath an air of confidence

My list goes on for miles

I fear that I am alone

Like I’m the one and only

In fact I feel that I am lost

I realize I am lonely

Words Spoken...

words spoken

       but never heard

hands reaching

       but never grasping

questions asked

        but never answered

love given

        but never returned

presence here

        but never acknowledged

depressed by being shut out

angered by being left out

            “I’m here, damn you!

        Breathing, well and alive!

             I feel, I think, I’m real!

                        open your eyes,

                   take off your blindfolds,

                        and see me for me!”

wasted breath

        causing only more pain

because they are

        words spoken

                but never heard…

Fairy Tales...

If tears could bring a rainbow

then my life would be sunny and bright

and the rain clouds that hang above me

would vanish away in the night

The blackness of my ocean of tears

would transform into a crystal blue

and my uninviting island home

would become a paradise of my dreams come true

If shooting stars granted wishes

There’d be none left in the sky

For I have wished on so many

They will have surely died

My impossible dreams would become reality

And a smile would appear

As the shadows looming over me

Would slowly disappear

If genies truly existed

And my wish were their command

Would they leave me when they heard the wishes

No one could possibly understand

Because I wouldn’t wish for wealth nor fame

Or even beauty if I could

I’d only wish life to be good to me

And things be the way they should

If fairytales were real

And there were really prince charmers

This damsel in distress could find rescue

In her knight in shining armor

He’d whisk her away to never-never land

Where birds sang melodiously, and the sun always shone

And finally, for once in her life

The damsel would not feel so alone

But tears don’t bring rainbows

My wishes aren’t granted by stars

Genies could never truly exist

And fairytales could never get that far

But wise men do exist

And a wise man once gave his opinion a voice

“Destiny is not a matter of chance,

   it’s a matter of choice;

   it’s not a thing to be awaited for

  it’s a thing to be achieved”

So, as the “damsel” stands pondering the words

She knows that a lesson has been learned

Genies and stars can’t bring happiness

True happiness must be earned.

I wrote this 15 years ago...sitting in my Sociology class in high school, while pretending to write the notes of the lecture....silly Zoila...

Laugh

Lost
Alone
Unsure
Gone
Hopeless...
...til it hurts.....

Ghost....

Yesterday, as I was leaving a restaurant, I swore I saw someone that I haven't seen in years....someone who mattered a great deal and who's friendship I lost along the way to the shuffle and nitty gritty of everyday life.  I probably could have let it pass, but for some reason it jarred me more than I care to say.  It was the weirdest thing to all of a sudden be smacked back into a whole other time frame...dimension...age group....life, if you will. Instantly, all of these crazy memories came pouring back and assailing me from all sides.  I think I even held my breath for more than a moment.  Why did it affect me so greatly?  I haven't thought of this person for so long, so if they aren't "worthy" enough of everyday thought, why are they the only thing I can wrap my mind around now??  And do I reach out and try to connect once more with them?  Has too much time gone by to mend whatever it is that is broken.  Ghosts from the past can be a scary thing indeed....

101 in 1001 Project...."The Day Zero Project"

This is a project that a dear friend of mine turned me on to.  Thank you, Gigi!!! The jist of it is that I have 1001 days to complete the "wishes" on my list.  I made a list of all the things I have been meaning to do or wanting to do and I began it today to be completed by January 1, 2014.  Wish me luck in my endeavors....as I complete them I will come back and highlight them.  Thanks in advance for well wishes! :-D

Travel/Entertainment

1.       Go back to London (introduce to Kurt)  

2.       Go back to Paris (introduce to Kurt)

3.       Go to Italy

4.       Go back to Jamaica (introduce to Kurt)

5.       Go to Disney with Kurt and the girls

6.       Take the girls to the Philly Zoo

7.       Take the family to  Washington, DC (visit museums and monuments)

8.       Go to the Beach once a summer

9.       Go on a family picnic once a month in spring and summer

10.   Go to an amusement park 3x’s a summer

11.   See 3 more Broadway Musicals

12.   Take London to Niagara Falls (with the rest of fam, we have all been already)

13.   Visit friends in Texas, NH, and Florida

14.   Go to a drive-in movie

15.   Go to museums

16.   Take Kurt to a Flyers game

17.   Take the girls to the Baltimore Aquarium

18.   Take girls to Camden Aquarium

19.   Go camping in cabins with my immediate and extended family

20.   Go snow tubing

21.   Go on a wine tour

22.   Go to all of our local wineries

For My Relationship/Marriage

23.   Have a date night with Kurt once a month

24.   Write Kurt a letter to be read on our 30^th wedding anniversary

25.   Tell Kurt why I appreciate him once a day

26.   Tell Kurt I love him every morning and every night

27.   Get some tips on better communication skills

28.   Go on a couple’s retreat

29.   Keep a relationship journal of our relationship

30.   Take a couples ballroom dance class

31.   Make wine together

32.   Take a couples art class

33.   Take a couples cooking class

Family/Friends

34.   Host one Sunday dinner at my house a month

35.   Go to my parent’s homes once a month for Sunday dinner

36.   Have 2 playdates a month for Gabby and London

37.   Have a girls’ night out/mom’s night out once a month

38.   Visit my siblings and their families, respectively, once a month

39.   Send greeting cards just because to friends and family once a month

40.   Keep up with the Gabby and London’s journals

41.   Catch up on Gabby and London’s scrapbooks

42.   Have a game night/theme night dinner with friends bi-monthly

43.   Have a family night once a week with Kurt and the girls

44.   Get a family picture taken to include London J

45.   Go to all of Gabby’s practices, recitals, performances etc.

46.   Spend at least one hour a day with the girls with NO distractions

My Health

47.   Workout at least 4X’s a week

48.   Run a 5 K

49.   Run a half marathon

50.   Take my meds religiously, stop deciding when I can be “done”

51.   Eat out only bi-monthly

52.   Start a garden with fruits and veggies

53.   Eat one fruit and one veggie a day

54.   Create a monthly meal plan for me and my family

55.   Take a yoga/pilates class once a week

56.   Learn to meditate and relax

57.    

For Others

58.   Volunteer at a hospital

59.   Volunteer for meals on wheels

60.   Read to the elderly and/or children

61.   Donate to a charity of my choice once a month

62.   Do a “cause” walk once a month

63.   Hold one Pampered Chef fundraiser a month, with all proceeds to go to that organization

64.   Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity

Money

65.   Pay off Kurt’s car loan

66.   Pay off credit card debt

67.   Pay off school loan

68.   Have a $5000 nest egg

69.   Have $1500 in sales a month for Pampered Chef

70.   Sell 100 copies of my novel

71.   Put $50 away for each child a month

For the Home

72.   Decorate my bedroom

73.   Get new kitchen counters

74.   Get new flooring throughout the house

75.   Redo bathrooms

76.   Get our pictures up on the walls

For Me/Creative

77.   Join a wine of the month club

78.   Update my wardrobe

79.   Highlight and color my hair

80.   Write 3 more novels

81.   Write more poetry

82.   Update and keep up with my blog

83.   Finish my scrapbooks

84.   Write in my journal daily

85.   Start a book club

86.   Read 500 books

87.   Start taking more pictures

88.  

89.   Make my “feelings” quilt

90.   Learn Italian

91.   Get back to Europe

92.   Go easier on myself, give myself a free pass

93.   Write myself a letter to read in 10 years

94.   Bury a time capsule this summer to open when the girls graduate (or we move)

95.   Start the girls keepsake quilts (cloth from favorite outfits and costumes etc.)

96.   Go hiking

97.   Make a recipe book of my entire family’s (extended included) favorite recipes

98.   Take time for me

99.   Write for an hour a day

100.    Reward myself with $10 per achievement met

101.     Pay it forward!!!!!!!!!!!!